Finally...

34 months.
Over 400 applications.
19 interviews.
1 new degree.

and finally...  A JOB!

Fuck yeah.

Been Awhile...

I've been away from this blog and some other places online in the last few months. I've been in a real funk lately and I realized, after a few unpublished posts, that maybe it's for the best to avoid putting my thoughts out there for awhile. So I'm easing my way back into these things a little at a time.

Things have really been the same for the last couple of months, and maybe that has something to do with the mindset that I've been in. Life has stalled and things that were expected to have changed in the last few months have become stagnant.

Leilani is still not talking. She's been in speech therapy for seven months now with literally no improvement. On the bright side, everything other than her speech has been blossoming. She's constantly amazing me with every turn. Learning to brush her teeth, put her shoes on, express needs and wants, and even simply snuggling with me and Mike have all been small magical moments that have replaced the words that don't come. Whenever my optimism for speech occasionally fades, I remind myself that she's still a smart, beautiful little girl.

My mantra: Words will come. Words will come. Words will come.

Cynicism

People say, "Well, it could be worse." But I like to think, "It could always get better! Stay positive." A couple of my favorite quotes on staying positive and vanquishing cynicism:

"Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes'."

-Stephen Colbert


"All I ask of you is one thing: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism — it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard, and you’re kind, amazing things will happen."
-Conan O'Brien

Kinda Happy / Kinda Sad

Back in early January, on my way out of the house to go out to dinner with Mike, I decided to weigh myself. That was an eye opener. My weight was over 190 pounds. My heaviest by far. Even during my pregnancy I peaked at around 178 pounds.

So I started watching what I was eating and pounds started falling off. But after a while, there seemed to be so many excuses for eating like a crazy person. Super Bowl party, Valentine's Day dinner, Easter, and anything else that I could use as an excuse for eating. So I stopped losing weight and began to plateau.

After several months of dieting, then falling back into bad habits, then dieting again I seriously got back into the swing of things in the last two weeks. And I'm happy to say I'm down to around 175. I've lost 15 whole pounds! This has got me pumped for more.

The down side to this... I weight just about as much as I did in my ninth month of pregnancy. That's kinda sad to think about. I can't believe I weigh as much as I did when I had a 7 pound baby in me. I was about 155 before I got pregnant. That's what I want to get back to. But even less. I'm planning on getting down to 145. So I still have a ways to go.

Words...

For the longest time, I've mentioned that Leilani has three words. Those words being: "Luna" (a term she uses for dogs), "kitty", and sometimes "momma." She has recently started saying "yeah." But unfortunately, "momma" has disappeared. So as soon as I think she may be up to four words... BOOM! One goes away. The same thing happened months ago with the word "Hi." She lost that one too.

On the sign language front, things are progressing. Okay, maybe I shouldn't be so bold as to call it real sign language. It's more like "gestures we taught Leilani." She can do the sign for "more" (which somehow became the sign for "food" instead), she can point to her nose, her toes, make an adorable gesture for "sleepy" (her two hands together on one side of her face), put her finger over her mouth for "shh" and pretend to stick her fingers in her ears for "noisy." I know they sound like toddler parlor tricks, but they mean a lot in reality. Mostly that she's understanding what we're teaching her and that she can learn and absorb information from us, which is vital on the path of learning to communicate and speak. So we're slowly moving along.

Leilani turned 21 months on May 1st! Just typing that is crazy. Aren't I still pregnant with her? It seems like just yesterday I was. I can't believe that the big 2 is right around the corner. Geesh. I'm hoping for 3 new words from her in the next three months. I want her to have at least 6 solid words by her birthday. Cross your fingers!

Happenings

The next few days are packed with lots of things...

I have to go to school tomorrow morning for one last final exam. I am so happy that this era is finally coming to an end and I no longer have to do anything regarding school. No more classes, no more paperwork, no more anything. Of course I've said this all before when I graduated from college the last time. But I think I can finally say... I am done with my formal education.

Monday is also Mike's first softball game. I'm kind of excited for this. He hasn't been in a league for over six years and it's nice that he's gotten back into it. I think we all could use a little fresh air and exercise.

On Tuesday, Leilani's goes back to Gymboree for the first time in over a month. I think these classes are hugely important. I really believe being around other kids her age is good for her and will help with her communication issues. I'm really psyched for Gymboree.

And, of course, more hockey for Mike. Which means more "Me Time" for me! It's nice having a couple of hours every few days when Mike's away and Leilani is napping so that I can do whatever I want! Ahhh...

I am also expecting to have my third and final interview with Aurora Sinai in the next few days. At least this one's just a phone interview! I am really hoping to get this job. If I do, it means a lot of hopes that I've had for this year are going to become reality. (Most of all moving.)

Busy Busy.

I have been oh so busy for the last two weeks. So much so that I've barely been online at all. I have been doing my clinical rotation at Froedtert Clinic in Menomonee Falls for 8.5 hours a day and I have had almost no free time. I get up before the sun does, go to work, come home and spend the rest of my day taking care of Leilani. While I'm at work, all I can think about is getting home to spend time with Leilani, but by the time I actually get home, I really just want to relax. 

Mike has a hockey game tonight and I think Leilani will be spending a little time playing in her room so I can get at least an hour of "me" time. She won't mind though. I've been working with her all day on her speech, so I bet she could probably use a break too. 

And on that topic... there's been no really improvement in her speech. She's picking up more and more hand signs, so at least there's a little progress with communication. I'm still waiting on that light to come on in her head regarding talking. I see other kids that are the same age as her with their 50-100 word vocabularies and I think to myself, "Those parents should have nothing to complain about. My daughter has 3 words. Go fuck yourself."  Is that mean and completely off-base? Yes, it is. But it's honestly how I feel sometimes.

I think I'm just going through a mood slump. It may have something to do with the weather. I find that has a huge impact on the way I feel normally. I usually love springtime because it signals the end of cold and dark days and renewed life. But this particular spring has been just miserable. It's still too cold to play outside, still snows occasionally, and there are still no leaves on the trees. It's like winter version 2.0. I need warmth, sun, and outdoors. But it'll come. I hope.

More Royal Tidbits

Queen Elizabeth II was the first British monarch to be out of the country at the moment of succession, and also the first in modern times not to know the exact time of her accession (because George VI had died in his sleep at an unknown time). She was in Kenya when she became Queen.

Her Majesty's Moon

Queen Elizabeth II sent a message of congratulations to the Apollo 11 astronauts for the first moon landing on July 21st, 1969. The message was micro-filmed and deposited on the moon in a metal container.

I bet the astronauts didn't bother to read it and it actually says, "I hearby claim the moon in the name of England!"

Today's "Balmoral Bollocks"

Queen Elizabeth II was the first (and until 2006, the only) female member of the royal family to serve in the armed forces. She served as a mechanic in the Auxiliary Territorial Service during WWII.

"Oh dear. Looks like your insurance isn't going to cover this..."

My Royal Secret...

I think a lot of people hold interests that they don't really like to share with others for one reason or another. So I don't care what anyone says or thinks about me.... I have always been obsessed with the British monarchy. It may have to do with the fact that I am, in fact, a subject of Her Majesty's realm... I retain citizenship in Canada. Or maybe because of the history and tradition... I love that. Or maybe I just want to be a FREAKIN' PRINCESS! Whatever the reason, I love everything to do with the ol' house of Windsor. I've even seen The Queen more times than I can count (the movie, not HRH.)

So it goes without saying that I'm jazzed for Prince William's upcoming wedding in a month. I have been in my effing GLORY with all the media fodder available to me. Like a pig in slop! Just today there was a Yahoo.com article regarding the royal wave... and I just kept thinking... "above the pearls, below the crown." He he.

I've always wanted to visit England on holiday (there I go with the lingo.) And this would have been THE time to do so. But unless I win the lottery I don't see it happening. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to DVR the whole thing.

So anyway, point of the post is this: the wedding is one month from today and I thought it might be fun, at least for me, to post a little bit about those crazy royals everyday. Trivia, thoughts, etc. So today's Royal tidbit is:

Queen Elizabeth II was made a Honorary Fellow of the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists in 1951. That's right, she's an honorary OB-GYN. How'd you like to get a pap from Her Royal Highness???  "Oh dear, where did I leave my solid gold speculum?"

Finally...

Just this morning, I finally received an email from my clinicals instructor letting me know that I've been accepted into a clinical. It's about darn time! I'm not trying to get my hopes up, but this might be the first step in moving on with our lives. I'm so excited.

My wish is that after my three week clinical is over, that the hospital might hire me on full-time. That's the scenario that I keep hearing happens to other students who have done their clinical through MATC. I'm hoping that I have the same fortune. But I'm still trying to not get my hopes up too high.

About 210 days ago (give or take), I set forth on a "300 day plan." The goals of the plan were to get back to work, get back on a strong financial footing, and get our own place. But everything needed to happen in that order. I had hoped to get back to work in February, not April. So I'm two months behind on the plan. But I'm still happy things are moving in the right direction, finally.

Big Step For Little Leilani

There have been some milestones along the path of Leilani's life that have held a lot of significance for me and others that I feel are no big deal. But this step, to me, was huge.

Mike and I have been talking about when Leilani should move from sleeping in her crib to sleeping in a toddler bed. We know that the general idea is to move a child to out of a crib as soon as they outgrow it, they can climb out of it, or generally around age two. But the other night while I was busy working on something, Mike was bored. He disappeared for a while into Leilani's room and I assumed the two of them were just playing. Then Mike walks into our room holding a support piece from Leilani's crib. What?!? Turns out he was halfway done with removing the front of Leilani's crib. So I just went with it.

I was a little perplexed as to how this would work out. Leilani is after all only 19 months old. Is she really ready for this step? I was concerned that she'd just roll out of bed onto the floor in the middle of the night and all hell would break loose. We didn't have a safety rail to stop that from happening, so after we put her down for bed, my eyes and ears were glued to the baby monitor. I couldn't sleep all night. I was waking up every half hour. Thankfully, she managed to stay on the bed all night and in the morning she just got up, crawled out of bed, and started playing with her toys. It was amazing to see.

I immediately went out and bought a safety rail in the morning.

It's been four nights now, and everything has gone smoothly. No night walking, no confusion, no problems at all.

I am so proud of my BIG girl!

Quiet Time For Lacey

Mike had a hockey game tonight and he surprised me at the last minute by taking Leilani with him. So now I'm home alone for four(!!!) hours in complete peace and quiet. I love Leilani to pieces, but I'm not embarrassed to admit that this tranquility is wonderful.

Aaahhh...

A Small Milestone

With Leilani's communication delays comes other developmental delays that one might not think about. It's hard to teach Leilani to do things that she should be learning because she doesn't understand what we're trying to communicate to her, for example, potty training. But today we saw a nice little milestone that happened completely organically.

She was sitting in her feeding chair in the living room with a plate of cut-up chicken nuggets and her sippy cup (which we gave to her in a futile hope that she may actually use it and not scream for her bottle). I had also accidentally left a fork on the plate. When Mike and I glanced over to her eating a few minutes later, she was mastering that fork and drinking from her sippie like a champ and with no complaint.

This may sound like things that any 19 month old can and should be doing at their age. But teaching Leilani to do these things has been a challenge because she doesn't seem to understand what we're trying to get across to her. She has been reluctant to learn how to use utensils and hates to drink milk from anything but her bottle. So to see this happen all on it's own and without any influence from me or Mike was incredible. This was huge.

One Particular Harbor

I know I don't get there often enough
But God knows I surely try
It's a magic kind of medicine
That no doctor could prescribe 

I used to rule my world from a pay phone
Ships out on the sea
But now times are rough
And I got too much stuff
Can't explain likes of me

But there's this one particular harbor
So far but yet so near
Where I see the days as they fade away
And finally disappear

But now I think about the good times
Down in the Caribbean sunshine
In my younger days I was so bad
Laughin' about all the fun we had 

I seen enough to feel the world spin
Mixin' different oceans meetin' cousins
Listen to the drummers and the night sounds
Listen to the singers make the world go 'round

Ia ora te natura
E mea arofa teie ao nei
Ia ora te natura
E mea arofa teie ao nei 

Lakes below the mountain
Flow into the sea
Like oils applied to canvas
They permeate through me 

And there's that one particular harbor
Sheltered from the wind
Where the children play on the shore each day
And all are safe within 

Most mysterious calling harbor
So far but yet so near
I can see the day when my hair's full gray
And I finally disappear

Wisco Winters Suck

I'm so obsessed with my hatred of Winter. It's kind of ridiculous. For all of next week, there won't be a single day below freezing! Yay! Milwaukee hasn't had a day above freezing since January 1st. Can you believe that? Not one day ABOVE freezing since Jan. 1st.

Not only are we gonna be above 32°, but it's going to get up into the 40's! I can't wait! All this damn snow is going to melt! I can take Leilani outside again! Hallelujah!

Winter is coming to an end! Not right away, obviously. Especially not in Wisconsin. But it's coming. And this is the first sign.

My Own At Home Therapy

Leilani's speech therapy sessions are 1/2 hour long, once a week. So I've started copying the entire session every morning after breakfast. My theory is that if a half hour a week is supposed to help her to talk, then 4 hours a week will definitely help, right?!?

This doesn't mean that I'm not already trying to get her to talk all day. These half hour morning sessions are just more intensive and focused. Her speech therapy and the ultimate goal of talking are my top priorities and what I'm considering my "job."

Speech Therapy 02.10.11

Yesterday was a good day at speech therapy. Leilani was vocal (although she said no words) and we all got a big surprise when the doctor asked Leilani a question, and Leilani nodded "yes." This is the first time she's really responded to someone talking to her. I know nodding is nowhere close to talking, but it was still a big step in terms of communication. We were all really excited.

It also sounds like Leilani might have a new word: kitty. Sometimes when one of the cats walks past at home, Leilani makes a K sound. "Kit" is really what it is. I think we need to keep an eye on this and help it develop.
That makes two words she's currently saying. "Luna" being the other one. (That's the name of her grandma's dog.) Strange that both words are animals.

I've been keeping track of Leilani's words since she was nine months old. She has started saying some words at times, but then loses them eventually. The only word that's really stuck with her has been "Luna."
She's said: no, hi, uh-oh, Luna, and has babbled mamama and dadada.

I also inquired about about switching therapists due to the recent confusion on our therapist's part. I was told that their waiting lists for all the therapists are really long, and we'd be starting from scratch. (We did have to wait over a month to get in the first time.) So I'm going to table the idea of switching and see how things go with the therapist we're with. She seemed a lot better yesterday too and didn't mix Leilani up with anyone else. I'm hoping that the few incidences of confusion were due to Leilani being a relatively new patient of hers. But if it does start happening again, then something will definitely have to be done.

Feeling Some Self Pity

I'm sorry to anyone who reads this and thinks I'm being selfish. But I feel like screaming...

Why does my daughter have to have a speech disorder? Why her? And why our family? I've tried to do everything right since I found out I was pregnant. So why is this happening?

Everyday, I just hope and hope that it'll be the day she finally says a word. Our speech therapist told us to work on P's and B's. So I've been working on "cup" and "ball" a lot lately. But nothing seems to be working. 

I want to communicate with my daughter so badly. That's all I've wanted for months now.

Please Leilani, just say something.