One Particular Harbor

I know I don't get there often enough
But God knows I surely try
It's a magic kind of medicine
That no doctor could prescribe 

I used to rule my world from a pay phone
Ships out on the sea
But now times are rough
And I got too much stuff
Can't explain likes of me

But there's this one particular harbor
So far but yet so near
Where I see the days as they fade away
And finally disappear

But now I think about the good times
Down in the Caribbean sunshine
In my younger days I was so bad
Laughin' about all the fun we had 

I seen enough to feel the world spin
Mixin' different oceans meetin' cousins
Listen to the drummers and the night sounds
Listen to the singers make the world go 'round

Ia ora te natura
E mea arofa teie ao nei
Ia ora te natura
E mea arofa teie ao nei 

Lakes below the mountain
Flow into the sea
Like oils applied to canvas
They permeate through me 

And there's that one particular harbor
Sheltered from the wind
Where the children play on the shore each day
And all are safe within 

Most mysterious calling harbor
So far but yet so near
I can see the day when my hair's full gray
And I finally disappear

Wisco Winters Suck

I'm so obsessed with my hatred of Winter. It's kind of ridiculous. For all of next week, there won't be a single day below freezing! Yay! Milwaukee hasn't had a day above freezing since January 1st. Can you believe that? Not one day ABOVE freezing since Jan. 1st.

Not only are we gonna be above 32°, but it's going to get up into the 40's! I can't wait! All this damn snow is going to melt! I can take Leilani outside again! Hallelujah!

Winter is coming to an end! Not right away, obviously. Especially not in Wisconsin. But it's coming. And this is the first sign.

My Own At Home Therapy

Leilani's speech therapy sessions are 1/2 hour long, once a week. So I've started copying the entire session every morning after breakfast. My theory is that if a half hour a week is supposed to help her to talk, then 4 hours a week will definitely help, right?!?

This doesn't mean that I'm not already trying to get her to talk all day. These half hour morning sessions are just more intensive and focused. Her speech therapy and the ultimate goal of talking are my top priorities and what I'm considering my "job."

Speech Therapy 02.10.11

Yesterday was a good day at speech therapy. Leilani was vocal (although she said no words) and we all got a big surprise when the doctor asked Leilani a question, and Leilani nodded "yes." This is the first time she's really responded to someone talking to her. I know nodding is nowhere close to talking, but it was still a big step in terms of communication. We were all really excited.

It also sounds like Leilani might have a new word: kitty. Sometimes when one of the cats walks past at home, Leilani makes a K sound. "Kit" is really what it is. I think we need to keep an eye on this and help it develop.
That makes two words she's currently saying. "Luna" being the other one. (That's the name of her grandma's dog.) Strange that both words are animals.

I've been keeping track of Leilani's words since she was nine months old. She has started saying some words at times, but then loses them eventually. The only word that's really stuck with her has been "Luna."
She's said: no, hi, uh-oh, Luna, and has babbled mamama and dadada.

I also inquired about about switching therapists due to the recent confusion on our therapist's part. I was told that their waiting lists for all the therapists are really long, and we'd be starting from scratch. (We did have to wait over a month to get in the first time.) So I'm going to table the idea of switching and see how things go with the therapist we're with. She seemed a lot better yesterday too and didn't mix Leilani up with anyone else. I'm hoping that the few incidences of confusion were due to Leilani being a relatively new patient of hers. But if it does start happening again, then something will definitely have to be done.

Feeling Some Self Pity

I'm sorry to anyone who reads this and thinks I'm being selfish. But I feel like screaming...

Why does my daughter have to have a speech disorder? Why her? And why our family? I've tried to do everything right since I found out I was pregnant. So why is this happening?

Everyday, I just hope and hope that it'll be the day she finally says a word. Our speech therapist told us to work on P's and B's. So I've been working on "cup" and "ball" a lot lately. But nothing seems to be working. 

I want to communicate with my daughter so badly. That's all I've wanted for months now.

Please Leilani, just say something.

Where The Hell Did My Background Go?

Really. Where'd it go??

Expressive Language Disorder And Annoying Doctors

Yesterday, after getting home from Leilani's 18 month check-up, I cleaned out her diaper bag and came across a form given to us at Leilani's speech therapy session last week. Given that we were in the middle of speech therapy with Leilani at the time, I only quickly skimmed it and threw it in the bag. I had forgotten about it for a week and when I came across it yesterday, I read it thoroughly.

According to the sheet, Leilani has an expressive language disorder. DISORDER??? That's a scary word.

What's really starting to get to me (in addition to the word "disorder") are Leilani's doctors. Her regular pediatrician barely spends any time with us when we take Leilani in for her check ups. Yesterday, our appointment started almost 20 minutes late, and when a nurse finally called our name and we went into an exam room, we still had to wait another 5 minutes for her actual doctor, who then spent a total of 10 minutes with Leilani. This doctor is supposedly a really good, so that's why we chose her. Her lack of interest is starting to piss me off. Mike isn't as upset about this as I am and he thinks I just need to relax.

Leilani's speech therapy is another issue. Every week, it seems the doctor forgets who Leilani is. She always references activities Leilani did from the previous session that never happened. It seems she keeps confusing Leilani with her other patients. It gets really annoying. And this diagnosis sheet she handed us a week ago was actually something filled out by the original doctor who evaluated Leilani 2 months ago. None of the info on the sheet was ever explained to us. I had to Google what an expressive language disorder was. Leilani's speech therapy takes place at Children's Hospital of Wisconsin, which is supposedly one of the best hospitals for kids. Something like #4 in the country. They sure aren't living up to that ranking.

What I'm going to have to do is just be more vigilant on my end. I've pretty much let a lot of this ineptitude slide, and that's my fault. I need to go into tiger mother mode.

18 Months

I don't know what to say. There has been no progress with Leilani's speech in the last couple of months. She still doesn't say much of anything. Imagine having an 18-month-old that you can't verbally communicate with. The frustration in the house is almost at a tipping point. Leilani throws tantrums all the time because we don't understand her and she can't do anything else. Mike and I misplace our frustration by getting upset with her. Tonight I cried in the shower because my emotions have been stretched thin and I couldn't stop myself, not to mention the constant worry I feel about Leilani. I've always maintained my belief that Leilani is smart. I see it in her all the time. She can figure things out and solve problems quickly, but she just doesn't want to talk. This has always been my stance. She's normal. But as the months go on and on with zero progress, I can't help but worry that I'm completely incorrect and there's something really wrong with her mentally. I'm so afraid. Everyone keeps telling us that she's just a late talker and it'll happen soon and when it does she won't stop talking. My mom says once Leilani starts talking, she won't stop and I'll wish she would. I don't see that happening. I think when she does start talking, if ever, I'll be so damn grateful I won't want her to stop.